messed up...

Forgetful
No appetite, but have to eat, and feel nauseous after eating
High stress levels
Wake up middle of night or wake up in early morn although slept late
Can't verbalise though its all in the mind
Bad decisions or can't make decisions
Not rational or objective
Emotional
Giving up easily, no perseverance
Snacking alot more, snacking as main meals
Increase in weight
Drown in loud music, dvds, retail theraphy as temporary relief though silly cos all temporal and of the world
Running out of ideas of where to go
Getting dressed stressful/tiring
Dread being in a crowd of people to get to know or just a hi/bye to those know by name
Tired of questions being asked which equates to productivity/usefulness of person, or ask for sake of asking or for sake of making conversation with no interest in person's relationship with God
Inconsistencies
Ignore God sometimes, not listening to him or even wanting to when waking up in the morning or before going to sleep at night or all day-time
Not able to maintain discipline, goes hay-wire or done once and it stops until months, possibly years later
Guilt
Passive
Withdrawn
Frustrated
Enjoy alot of time alone
Can't follow-up on people and what happens in their lives
Tendencies to latch on yet resist cos man will fail
Impatience with people who only think about themselves or think they're right
Can't think for people
Switch off when advice given with good intentions but with no real understanding of situation
Keep quiet when know can't converse or person not listening
Rage/Anger
Do not like empathy from people or people trying to give/show value to other
Convoluted

somethings not right but even normally is everything really alright? when things go too smoothly, have to ask if its too smooth? or is that like seeking out something just for the sake of it or its too good to be true or just plain pessimistic? complicated. confused. need clarity! need big picture which only our gracious God can give. nobody is as strong as they look. greatest man fall too and pride sometimes is the reason. and it could be facing so much opposition to fight against, sometimes it gets blurry.

sin in me

long for Jesus' return, long for God's discipline, long for judgement to be meted out so can move on and not swing between now but not yet

scared of God letting go

truly recalcitrant

falling quite badly