Root cause

is something I need to find in my IT work. So the usual troubleshooting and eventual report will appear as such...

PROBLEM: xx system failed at 3 Dec 09 01:29hrs FT.
ROOT CAUSE: invalid characters.
SOLUTION: delete failed request, correct data, start dataload immediately, repeat process chain. Error fixed at 3 Dec 09 06:45 FT. Process chain completed successfully.

Then I thought...

PROBLEM: relationships failing, husband beats wife, wife controls and makes decisions for husband all the time, verbal abuse/shouting/screaming, siblings fight over inheritance/money, friends become enemies, hatred, making horrible assumptions/judgements of each other, selfishness, wanting acceptance and love from people only, idolising celebrities, indulgences to satisfy/pampering oneself always, child rebels against parent, no trust between friends, quarrels, my way versus your way, addicted to drugs/gambling/etc, adultery, gossips, work is a pain, health not right, messed up life, death, disease, crying, pain, chaos, war, etc

ROOT CAUSE: sin/rebellion against God

SOLUTION: God sends his son, Jesus to save us from our sins (God with us). He has appeared and shown who he is, and is alive (conquered death and has resurrected) and will return and everyone will know that He is Lord and everything will be set right in his terms. He's just being very patient with us now. =)

Neck pain animation

can be seen here. That's what I have and it affects my upper back area. In pain since 8 Aug time. Now, that's a long time!

Think the animation is so cool! Get to see all the details of the insides of our body to get a better understanding. Amazingly created by an amazing Creator God!

Treatment so far: physiotheraphy, manipulation, cod liver oil, vitamin B, glucosamine, massage/kneading, neck stretches, KefenTech plaster/gel, Tiger balm muscle rub, Tiger balm neck & shoulder rub, pain killers, anti-inflammatory pills, cold pack, hot pack, neck strengthening exercises, etc.

Day at the hospital

was interesting. Never spent a day at hospital with 2 appointments back to back, which is a good thing then I don't have to take leave just to go for 1 appointment in a day, bit of a waste of leave when that happens. Later on, friends who go for their hospital appointments told me that I could have asked hospital doc to give me MC (medical leave). If only I knew that earlier...

1st appointment was with Physio. Interesting to go through the system, as I'd prior experience with a commercial and private Physio. It's tough being a hospital Physio, the number of cases to clear per day is huge. And the experience gained is not as in-depth as I'd hope. Have greater appreciation for those who bite the bullet to go private, spending 1-2hours to treat a patient. Sometimes not sure if you'll be able to fix the problem or not. But definitely reading up lots and trying different methods and attaining other methods like cracking joints.

2nd appointment was with Orthopedic again. Wasn't the same perky young doc who made me feel like he's really taking care of me and doing proper root cause analysis of my pain. It was now an aloof young one with literally his nose in the air. Sigh. Tried to breakdown the aloofness, but it held on, so I gave up and was disappointed and abit put off. He didn't read his case notes done by previous doc and re-did checks all over again, and I'd to ask him how my x-ray was. "Bedside" manners are so crucial lest one becomes all clinical. Maybe a struggle with those in medical industry is how much empathy becomes too much for them til they can't perform their responsibilities? I wonder...

Smart aleck

that's what a colleague said about Adam, the man of dust whom the LORD God formed from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.

Adam, a smart aleck? It's true, isn't it? Definition of smart aleck = one who thinks he knows it all. Hmm, sounds like me =P...sometimes...

Have a quick read of Genesis.

C5

means an area which is neck and upper back. Cousin said his injury in L4 & L5 refers to his lower back. Technical terms intrigue me.

Series of events triggered me to get an MRI done, since pain in C5 area still around after more than a month when the excruciating pain happened on 9 Aug. In the end, a physio friend said get MRI if company benefits are able to reimburse. MRI is really really expensive, which I just realised.

Went to polyclinic to get a referral to orthopedic specialist in hospital, so that I won't get charged private rates which is like double the amount. Polyclinic visit was interesting, doctor was young, didn't do as many checks as my sports doc friend did. And young doctor immediately started writing referral to hospital.

Good thing friends told me how to shorten my time at polyclinic queues by going there at 11.30am-12pm, as that's when most of the morning queue have cleared and polyclinic staff are in a haste to clear their work to go for their lunch break at 1pm. Also, reading mrbrown's blog about his polyclinic visit also made my visit made intriguing as it heightened my sense of observation. haha! But, I didn't dare go for Opportunistic Health Screening lah since deep down I knew what the results will be.

Hospital visit was more interesting, seeing people being pushed with a system, with a number in hand and watching all the Mr Bean silent shows on TV, picking up helpful educational brochures, seeing old folks with less alertness trying to figure out where they should be, nurses putting on stern looks in order not to be approached by just anyone, and people who return for follow-up appointments with steel rods jutting out of their legs, some with cast in their arm, etc.

Hospital doc/orthopedic specialist did like 8-10 steps to check my nerves, strength, reflexes, stability, and all ok. Then finally he went to see my neck and upper back and exclaimed "Whoa! You have muscle spasm!". haha! I almost cracked up, since I was trying to tell him I need MRI as requested by physio friend. And I thought since I couldn't turn my head fully to the left, he wouldn't have exclaimed about my muscle spasm?

As I sit at Outpatient area, amidst the hussle and bussle as though it was Orchard Road, just got me thinking as I see each face walking by/sitting/running around.....some have hope, some don't. Makes such a difference knowing that the Lord is with them whatever the circumstances. If they only knew the Lord and what he's heralding in when Jesus returns. No more death, no more sadness/mourning/crying, no more pain, no more failing bodies, no more...no more...no more...

Phatfish

is a band, a christian band. Chanced on them at NWA08 in Wales. Found the band name "Phatfish" abit strange, but at one of those NWA nights (they called it "After Hours") where you could just go to the big tent and listen to a christian band jamming, I thought it was such a cool idea. So went with HW and KY who came especially for NWA since during their student days they would try to attend it. And KY told me her favourite song by Phatfish was "There is a day" and after I heard it, I was truly encouraged and made me long for the day Christ returns to set all things right.

Check out what blogger Adrian Warnock blogged about them and their new CD "In Jesus".

Creator God

whom people say did not create them, but it's their father and mother who created them. Something my colleague said - about parents creating her - as a health topic came up between us, due to a month long pain in my neck and back. Probably also embedded in chinese culture where alot is attributed to parents who gave them life and even after parents pass away, prayers are said infront of parents' urns, and a huge respect goes to ancestor worship because without them we won't be here. But, is it really the case where it is really bad/disrespectful if there is no ancestor worship (not referring to respect for parents)? Is it really disobedient then to not give parents credit for giving us life (not referring to parents bringing us up painstakingly)? What about abortions? Those who didn't actually want to have children, be it for adults or teenagers, but decided on ending life. Are we really true life givers, creators of life? As long as we want to and in our ability, we can create life? Are we really the ones who can fuse cells together to create life? I wonder, I really wonder, so many things to consider in totality. We're not really in control, even if it seems what we do does give us a sense that we are, and indeed God did give us rule over creation. Yet given other situations, we realise we can't and what do we do then? How do we explain it when we can't?

And, what about married couples who can't have children, isn't that evidence that humans can't create life?

If illness takes over, why people don't turn to God who created/made them and rely on Him and not on themselves? Would they consider? if not, why not?

Would people just take a wee bit of their time to hear what God has to say, from his Word, and not assume that we know him? Its abit like hearing from the horse's mouth, if only a chance was given.

Truly, only the Lord opens blind eyes and stubborn hearts like mine.

121 with Dad

enjoying those times with Dad, just him and me having a meal or going to sinseh (chinese physicians) or museums. Even though he talks loudly on his mobile like those coffeeshop ah-pehs ("uncles"), even though he wears his mismatch blue slippers with dark trousers, even though his front teeth has cracked and refuses to get it repaired, even though he uses toothpicks after meals to clear food residue in-between teeth, even though he sometimes behaves like a gangster and sounds like he wants to fight, even though he has aged alot and prone to falls, even though he gets excited about explaining to me technical engineering details which I don't understand, I'm still happy he's my Dad, strangely. Please pray for the Lord to be merciful and gracious to my Dad, to open his eyes that Dad will repent and turn to the Lord. Still think there's a niche ministry amongst those in their 70s, making friends with those who sit in coffeeshops, who talk about anything and everything happening under the sun. Through Dad, I get to know his friends' lives (what they used to work as, their family's makeup, etc) and what they do with their time and talk about. Asking the Lord to provide a christian friend to befriend my Dad.

Excruciating pain

happened when I did some stuff during a week.

the week i did stuff: mon 3 Aug - did wrong crunch/sit-up exercises on hard floor, tue 4 Aug - slept with head on my arm, fri 7 Aug - moved, carried 20/8kg of books.

sat 8 Aug - woke up with excruciating pain from head to neck to back, and radiating pain in arms to tips of fingers, couldn't get out of bed. (trivia: did you know we use our neck muscles when we get out of bed? each morning, not only thanking the Lord for sunshine, a new day, also for neck muscles)

sun 9 Aug (singapore's national day) - 2 friends/couple, sports doc & physiotherapist, came to give me pain killer/anti-inflammatory pills and a neck brace to wear for 3-4 days. assessed root problem, taught me how to get out of bed, bought din for me, etc. thought of going to A&E, but doc said hospitals were on stand-by for mishaps at national day celebrations, so i'll have to wait a long time at A&E which i knew what the wait was like since i brought parents there on separate occasions. conclusion was that i'd strained spinal cord. worse case if pain doesn't go away, paralysis. i thought maybe this is all part of growing old, but doc says even sports people get it as well. haha, is it a relief to hear that? hmm...

mon 10 Aug - still had excruciating pain, went to neighbourhood doc to get medical leave, had 3 days of medical leave (tue - thu). changed pillow to have more neck support.

heard another friend, SW, had lower back problem and admitted himself to A&E, getting an injection of pain killer / anti-inflammatory and was discharged, going back to work the next day!!

fri 14 Aug - worked from home because it takes too much to get to office.

sat 15 Aug - still no relief from aching pain, went to physiotherapist clinic. had treatment and was taught exercises to move vertebrae which was stiff. met SW, who went to A&E for injection on mon, also getting physio treatment for lower back.

mon 17 Aug - didn't have excruciating pain when i woke up, but aching pain still there. continue to work from home, doing 4 types of physio exercises every 15mins.

wed 26 Aug - changed desk chair to have correct sitting position. stationary chair instead of the rolling one.

fri 28 Aug - been doing physio exercises everyday, and perspire from doing it. wake up in morning and pain still there. went to sinseh (chinese physician) during lunchtime and fainted. apparently, i was suppose to have eaten and after 1 hour, then see sinseh. my head was put in a neck brace to extend neck and needles inserted in upper back and neck. my hand was placed on a bell in case of anything. electricity was sent through needles and i would feel warm. think i blacked out in 5 mins because next thing i knew, i woke up and couldn't find bell next to my hand (might have fallen on the floor) and was leaning against doc, feeling weak and he was desperately trying to get my head out of neck brace, carrying me onto bed. then nurse gave me water and tissues because i was perspiring. lied down for 20mins and left clinic with medicine. i really don't like needles, although i bring my parents for accupuncture and have seen how its done. think i needed relief and wasn't getting any even though i did physio exercises. feeling tired as i haven't slept through the night (for almost 3 weeks) without waking up with aching pain and have to keep changing sleeping position.

i'm suppose to go back to sinseh next week after taking 3 days of chinese medication which tastes horrible. i should give the sinseh another chance to see if it works or change sinseh? hmm...

sat 29 Aug - went to get meds from neighbourhood doc and also ask if i need to get x-ray done. assessment concluded that i didn't have numbness in arms and hands, so don't need to. more meds to keep inflammation down and pain killers for relief.

visited godson cos he had surgery and was resting at home. his dad, a physio, treated my back and cracked it. strangely, there was less strain when i turn head left & right thereafter. apparently, if i exercise more, my strained muscles will stiffen up, no wonder! so, no lifting of heavy stuff and no exercise, need to lie flat on my back more often for relief. i can't sit for long in one position, as pain will take place. want to get stuff done, but so much involves the neck and back. sigh.

apparently, i'll need 8-10 sessions of physio to get better. turning head around still feels painful.

thankfully the Lord knows my body cos he made it and pain is truly a sign that something's not right, so many things to get done but limited and need to get relief/rest. wish there was a computer i could work on or get stuff done or talking to people while lying on my back.

Change for the better

is what colleagues were talking about. How a person after attending some course, changed for the better. Self awareness courses to understand yourself better and hence changes happen thereafter, where marriages are closer, others see the benefits and ask how to, the person's priorities changed as well (maybe become nicer which is subjective), etc.

Sounds so much like how God transforms our lives when we get to know Jesus, but is it really the same?

Do people really want to be transformed? Do they really want change in their lives? Or only when severe/devasting events happen, then change happens in us? But there're still those times when even after something terrible happens and recovery happens, all seems to be forgotten and your old self just comes back like nothing really did happen?

But what makes people gauge that the effect of change in a person is better? Is it a personal gauge? It may differ from person to person (eg, friends may think it's good, but family don't think so), right? And how God truly transforms us, our minds, our lives, opens our ears and reveals himself to us in the person and work of his son, Jesus Christ, and everything culminating for us to all be like Jesus, what does that mean then? The benchmark is God's alone, not differing between persons, and all for his glory and his purposes since he created us and as we return to dust in the end, having been impacted and having impacted people around us. It's relationships in the end which God had established with us from the beginning....thank you Lord for taking the initiative to reconcile us back to you.

messed up...

Forgetful
No appetite, but have to eat, and feel nauseous after eating
High stress levels
Wake up middle of night or wake up in early morn although slept late
Can't verbalise though its all in the mind
Bad decisions or can't make decisions
Not rational or objective
Emotional
Giving up easily, no perseverance
Snacking alot more, snacking as main meals
Increase in weight
Drown in loud music, dvds, retail theraphy as temporary relief though silly cos all temporal and of the world
Running out of ideas of where to go
Getting dressed stressful/tiring
Dread being in a crowd of people to get to know or just a hi/bye to those know by name
Tired of questions being asked which equates to productivity/usefulness of person, or ask for sake of asking or for sake of making conversation with no interest in person's relationship with God
Inconsistencies
Ignore God sometimes, not listening to him or even wanting to when waking up in the morning or before going to sleep at night or all day-time
Not able to maintain discipline, goes hay-wire or done once and it stops until months, possibly years later
Guilt
Passive
Withdrawn
Frustrated
Enjoy alot of time alone
Can't follow-up on people and what happens in their lives
Tendencies to latch on yet resist cos man will fail
Impatience with people who only think about themselves or think they're right
Can't think for people
Switch off when advice given with good intentions but with no real understanding of situation
Keep quiet when know can't converse or person not listening
Rage/Anger
Do not like empathy from people or people trying to give/show value to other
Convoluted

somethings not right but even normally is everything really alright? when things go too smoothly, have to ask if its too smooth? or is that like seeking out something just for the sake of it or its too good to be true or just plain pessimistic? complicated. confused. need clarity! need big picture which only our gracious God can give. nobody is as strong as they look. greatest man fall too and pride sometimes is the reason. and it could be facing so much opposition to fight against, sometimes it gets blurry.

sin in me

long for Jesus' return, long for God's discipline, long for judgement to be meted out so can move on and not swing between now but not yet

scared of God letting go

truly recalcitrant

falling quite badly

those who plan for their own funeral...

is it morbid? is it positive thinking? why do it? why worry about it? so bizarre!

But what about planning for retirement? Isn't that the same?

For those in Singapore, at CPF (Central Provident Fund), we still need to always come back to the question of whom to nominate to inherit our CPF $ when we die. If we get married, we again need to revisit the nominee question again. So if that's the case, seeing death around us, not really that morbid, right? Why then do people around me cringe and think i'm weird when I say that I've thought of what songs to be sung at my funeral?

Health forms

I've yet to think which passage for my funeral where all will hear and want to come to know the Lord Jesus. Hey, maybe the best is to just give out free bibles to all at my funeral since the whole of God's word echoes of him who came to reconcile us back to Him, giving us an eternal hope of his return to set all things right in this world He created which is ruined by our rebellion against him? Haha! Free bibles at a funeral, I can feel those eyebrows around me being raised yet again.